In this blog, we are exploring Disconnection. An emotion that hits hard for many of us in midlife and in our menopause transition.
Let's dive in.
Quick Recap - Emotions 101
Emotions are the drivers that sit behind the decisions we make, and the actions we take. Emotions are actually in the driver's seat. Then we Feel, Think and Do. And it all happens in the blink of an eye.
Brene Brown's research team tells us that there are 87 emotions and experiences, but most of us can readily name 3: mad, sad and glad.
In Beyond The Shop, we are going to explore some of the most common ones we feel as women in midlife, beyond the 3 amigos. Today it's Disconnection's turn.
What Is The Emotion of Disconnection?
If the connection is "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship" (Brene Brown), then Disconnection is the opposite of that.
As a species, we are wired for connection. For our very survival, we need to work together. That's why when connections fail, it cuts us to the core. Our brains recognise it in the same way it recognises physical pain.
- Disconnection from others - relationships with others
- Disconnection with ourselves - the relationship we have with ourselves
Disconnection With Ourselves
When Disconnection from others is experienced over time, it can create disconnection within ourselves.
In my experience and the 1000 conversations I've had over the years with women, Disconnection within ourselves is felt when we Disconnect from our bodies. The thought, the action of being in a swimsuit will do that. Talking about our body parts as if they weren't part of us.
For some of us, feeling Disconnected from our body has been a long and exhausting experience, whilst, for others, the midlife years have really placed it front and centre.
Our body shapes have changed. We've put on weight. Night sweats, aching joints, hair loss, dry skin...a shopping list of physical changes.
Words just seem to pour out of our mouths before we realise what we have said. Not backing down. And as for giving 2 hoots...forget that!
What we want for ourselves now is very different to what we have wanted before. If you're not on board, I'm doing it anyway!
All of these changes can have us wondering who the heck we are. Who is this person? I don't feel I recognise her some days. THAT is the feeling of Disconnection.
Embodiment
"For many of us.....it's easier to live in our head and be completely disconnected from our bodies. But there's a cost." (Brene Brown).
Thinking over feeling. Pushing those feelings aside and down.
Embodiment calls us to be aware, to feel and allow our body's emotions. "This embodied awareness is necessary to realign what we do with what we believe. The actions we take in the world and the beliefs that we hold." (Prentis Hemphill). The importance of feeling that connection with our body.
We must get back to feeling. To listen to our body. With kindness and love. Not numbers first. That 'magic' weight. That certain size. I hear and see this all the time and firmly believe it's more destructive than constructive. Measure with numbers if you must, but don't let them lead. Feel first.
On Autopilot
Life can get very busy. We can get caught in the vortex of doing, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. Our body sends signals, but do we listen? Being out of alignment with ourselves happens when we're on autopilot.
I love how Sonya Renee Taylor (The Body Is Not An Apology) talks of Disconnection."Have you ever felt like you were living your life on autopilot? Somehow you just keep recycling old behaviours and ideas that you know don't serve you, but you can't seem to interrupt them. You are not alone! That sense of autopilot is the result of being disconnected from our thoughts.
Without our awareness, thoughts run covert operations all through our lives, assassinating our sense of worth and blowing up our connections with other humans."
Outside Vs Inside
The way we live our lives today, on our devices...texting, emailing, scrolling and emoji-ing means we are using our voices less too. Using our voice is yet another way to connect with our body from the inside out - that mind: and body connection. The breath work we use when we talk when we sing. Our voice is yet another tool for feeling that connection with our body. We will explore this concept in the future. It's fascinating:)
The way we rely on devices to tell us how we're tracking - "what our Apple watch says vs listening to your body in order to pay attention to how you feel are very different concepts. Creating a dependency on something other than yourself to tell you how much to push yourself physically can create a questionable dynamic. - the importance of keeping your mind/body connection strong by acknowledging your own 'stats' via paying attention to how you feel." (Kim Egel - read more from Kim in her article)
I couldn't agree more Kim. Let's get back to feeling and knowing our body - from the inside out. With greater awareness of our emotions and how they feel within us. Appreciating how our amazing bodies feel physically. How they move, their shape, their wondrous uniqueness.
How Does Disconnection Show Up For You?
Brene Brown says that shame is the fear of Disconnection. We all feel Disconnection from ourselves and others. It comes with the territory of being human. How does Disconnection show up for you? In your body? With others? Maybe you relate to feeling out of alignment, out of sorts?
Let me know and we'll group the responses together (anonymously of course) and post about it in our Facebook group Women 40+ Self Love, Body Love, Summer Confidence. where we can continue the chat.
Take care. Be kind to you and each other. Stay connected.
Anita xx
Founder - Sequins and Sand + Midlife Unfiltered - The Season of Me podcast
