"I said to my body, softly, 'I want to be your friend.' it took a long breath and replied 'I have been waiting my whole life for this." (Nayyirah Waheed)
In Part 2, the focus was on highlighting the ways in which Body Shame can become a part of our thoughts and feelings. Building awareness is the first solid step in making change. In Part 3 it's about doing that, taking action.
I'm not a therapist nor claim to be. What we explore in this edition may trigger body shame thoughts for you. If you find that having these thoughts and conversations is overwhelming and distressing please click away and reach out to professionals who can help like Beyond Blue and Butterfly. Create the space and time to make it a priority, for you.
The 4 Pillars of Practice - Sonya Renee Taylor
In her book, 'Your Body is Not An Apology - The Power of Radical Self-Love' Sonya talks of the 4 Pillars of Practice. A way to take action in our daily lives to help dismantle Body Shame. "A process of deindoctrination requiring that we excavate the thoughts we have internalised about bodies and evict the voices of judgement, hierarchy, and shame."
1. Taking Out The Toxic - The Body Shame Cleanse. We are surrounded by millions of messages a day; TV, Movies, Streaming Programs, YouTube and other Social Media... Some are less subtle than others. Lose that unsightly belly flab now! (because your body is awful). That's the message behind the ad. Get ready for these ads post Christmas girls. They will bombard you from every angle on every media. The average person in the US will see between 4,000-10,000 ads a day. By contrast, in the 1970's it was 500-1600. (Article by Web tribunal).
Taking out the toxic means being aware of the subtle and not-so-subtle influences in our lives AND the language we use, we hear others use about our bodies. Tune in. You will be surprised how we weave in the negative comments without even realising often repeating those messages that we've been absorbing.
Take action: Limit your media intake by carefully curating your social media. Block the ads. When you watch programs on your screens, notice which ads appear.
2. Mind Matters - is about expansive thinking. It's about the relationship we have with our bodies. Is your body a part of you, or is it a disconnected vessel that does stuff?
Take Action: Make time for thinking. Create the space not only around you physically but more importantly, in your mind. Try Mediation if you haven't There are so many ways to meditate. It's not sitting on a rock omming. (more on the ways to meditate).
Reframe how you think about your body. It is your ally, not your enemy. Appreciate what it does for you, and enables you to do every single day. The incredible things it has done for you. The things we take for granted until they're almost taken away from us. "Lean into the discomfort and fear. Remember the fear is just fog." (Sonya Renee Taylor).
3. Unapologetic Action - is about getting to know your body; and being familiar with it. How it feels. How does it like to move?
Take Action: Get to know your body. Look at it and touch it. Your body is not bad, wrong or disgusting. It is uniquely amazing. Reconnect with the joy of movement however that looks and feels like for you. Put your favourite music on. Let go and explore. Create your new 'body story' as you shed the toxic, think and move. Do it daily.
4. Collective Compassion - asks you to move beyond self-reliance to collective care. It's about opening up and being with others who will support you. Pillars 1-3 are unsustainable without 4. Compassion for you, the compassion you have for others.
Take Action: just as it takes a village to raise a child, having the right team in place to support you as you take action to dismantle your body-shaming thoughts and actions. Trusted friends who will call you out when you use that negative language and give you a warm loving hug when you feel lost. Transformation is difficult. There is no getting around that. But it absolutely is possible. Get curious. Ask the questions, and have the conversations that will help you to gather your team.
4 Important Questions To Ask Yourself
In Part 2, we talked about Critical Awareness and the concept of Unwanted Identities. When we don't 'measure up' to society's our family's definition of what is defined as good and wanted.
Support the 4 Pillars with these 4 questions from Brene Brown. As your radar picks up on the messaging around you, the expectations on who you should be and how you should look. As you think about what they mean and how you respond, ask yourself:
1. How realistic are my expectations? As you measure up to the expectations you put on yourself and the images you measure yourself against. You may want to be 'flab free' like you were in your 20s like they are in their 20s. But is that realistic? You are in midlife. Your body has changed, it's changing daily. It IS different. It's meant to be different. What if you said, this is who I am and that's okay. It's a stronger place to move forward from.
2. Am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be? When you want to look a certain way. Are you doing it for you or for others? For who you want to be or how others want you to be? What a powerful question to ask.
3. If someone perceives me as having these unwanted identities, what will happen? Are you seeking validation from them? Is it really how they feel or what you are telling yourself...as if you were doing the thinking for them?
4. Can I control how others perceive me? How do I try?
The short answer is no. You can't, and if you try to limit your lifestyle, your thinking and behaviour to avoid the judgement, the person you are harming, is yourself. "I wouldn't swim at the party so I could stay in my shorts. But then, they're judging you for that. No matter what you do, you can't control how other people see you." (p98 I Thought It Was Just Me - But It Isn't).
Bringing It All Together - The Path Forward
We have explored A LOT in the Body Image and Shame series. I hope that you've found it helpful. Appreciating all we've covered and the wisdom of professionals like Brene Brown, consider moving forward thinking about:
What Your Shame Triggers Are - understand where those messages come from that create expectation conflicts for who you are and who you are supposed to be.
Practice Critical Awareness - stepping back and appreciating the bigger picture. Think more deeply about where those messages are coming from and what is motivating them. How do they block your way? Filter them.
Reach Out - to others you trust. Build connections, and create your support team. This is too hard to do alone.
Speak Shame - talk about your Body Shame feelings. Shame hates that and it will stop it from becoming stronger. Avoiding situations, and holding back from what will bring you happiness and joy is not living an authentic life. We need you to be you. Show us 'This is me'.
Where To From Here?
Create connections with others. Continue the conversation talking about Body Image and Shame in our private Facebook group Women 40+ Self Love, Body Love, Summer Confidence.
Take care. Be kind to you and each other. Stay connected.
Anita xx
Founder - Sequins and Sand + Midlife Unfiltered - The Season of Me podcast
