In Part 1, the focus was on defining what we mean by Body Image and its connection with Shame. How did you feel when you read that? Did spark a conversation with yourself, with those you trust and feel safe with?
This is a difficult conversation to have with ourselves and with others we trust. But we must have them because Shame thrives and grows when we don't speak of it. Shame loses power when it's spoken.
I'm no therapist and don't claim to be. So please, seek professional help from those who are, if you find that having these thoughts and conversations are overwhelming and distressing. And if they are, perhaps click away now and go and do that. Create the space and time to make it a priority, for you.
In Part 2...
Building on what we covered in Part 1, in Part 2 we will talk about:
- How our Body Shame can show up for us physically - that mind-body connection.
- Explore how to identify the triggers that bring up those feelings and reactions.
- Awareness - the important first step to changing how we feel
Body Image: How you see yourself, in your mirror, in your mind. How you feel about your body, as a whole. About its parts.
Shame: Shame is about who we are. It's grounded in fear, often resulting in blame (blaming ourselves) and disconnection (from others, our bodies).
Our Physical Reactions To Shame
"Shame is the uncomfortable sensation we feel in the pit of our stomach when it seems we have no safe haven from the judging gaze of others. We feel small and bad about ourselves and wish we could vanish." (Scientific American - The Scientific Underpinnings and Impacts of Shame).
The mind-body connection is powerful, and when we feel Shame, that power is felt in many different ways.
Shame (Body Shame too) is connected to the processes in the limbic system of the brain. Parts of the brain that work together, are responsible for regulating emotions and behaviour, our stress response.
Our body reacts to the emotion of Shame as it does when it senses a threat, activating our nervous system to respond, setting off physical reactions like:
- racing heart *dry mouth *sweating *hot flushes & blushing cheeks *nausea.
- 'freezing' - unable to move *slouching and slumping *hiding & covering up *moving away *no eye-contact *'tongue tied' unable to speak
Whilst some of these may feel familiar to you, do you associate these reactions with feeling shame - your body shame?
Jo & Yvonne's Reaction To Feeling Body Shame
Bravely sharing their photos and stories of body shame are Cossie Confidence Crew members - Jo and Yvonne. These are their 'before' photos. Hiding, covering up, moving away (Yvonne never participated at the beach, choosing to sit fully clothed, under a tree instead). And that's what we see in the photos. There would have been internal reactions going on for Jo and Yvonne too.
Can you relate?
Disconnecting From Our Body
Strong feelings of Body Shame and enduring feelings can have us disassociating our bodies from ourselves. Blaming our body for how we feel and act, driving that psychological wedge in deeper, creating a mind-body disconnect.
"Our tendency to divorce our brains from our bodies is one of the sneaky ways in which Body Shame thrives." (Sonya Renee Taylor)
When we are aware of how we respond to feeling Body Shame, we can begin to change our self-talk, and how we live our summer lives and beyond; just like Jo and Yvonne have done.
Re-connecting with their Body - in a swimsuit
Jo became a C.C.Crew member when I put the call out asking for women to be brave and help other women overcome their shame and concerns about being in a Swimsuit. She's done 4 campaigns! Yvonne became a Summer Confidence Society Platinum Member and became a Crew member after being in our most recent Cossie Confidence Shoot.
Shame Triggers
"When we know how Shame feels we have an important resilience tool. Recognising our Shame allows us to find the space we need to process the experience and gain some clarity before we act out or shut down." Brene Brown.
Body Shame (Shame) is a very personal and individual experience. What influences how we feel and think about our body often can be traced back to those we love the most, and we spend the most time with - family and close friends. Messaging that comes from well-meaning people of influence in our day-to-day lives who unknowingly embed that shame through what they say, the values and beliefs they have and how they act.
That messaging can often be what they don't want us to become. What's unacceptable and unwanted. To be thin to be beautiful - if you're not thin then you're 'unacceptable'. To look youthful not grey and wrinkled. The pressure to look as we did when we were much younger.
They're called Unwanted Identities. Maybe you can identify a few that have significantly impacted your life. For Maria from the Cossie Confidence Crew, growing up she watched and listened to her Mum's obsession with dieting and talking about what and how much she ate. To keep her weight down. To be a 'desirable' size, an 'acceptable' woman.
Can you think of any beliefs, values, actions and words that have shaped how you feel about your body? Maybe some are attached to being in a swimsuit. I have had conversations with women in tears, who feel ashamed of their bodies because they were told most of their lives that they were too fat. How they looked was not acceptable. What a crushing, destructive burden to carry for those beautiful women. These women are size 10-12 by the way. Body shame doesn't discriminate on size.
We'll explore how to turn the impacts of these Unwanted Identities around in Part 3.
Awareness...
Physical reactions to Body Shame. Impacts of the messaging, values, beliefs and actions of family and friends. This deepens our understanding of how Shame can show up for us and why.
But what about what influences us, what we absorb beyond our family and close friends? Do you recall Brene Brown's Shame Web from Part 1? On the outer strands are more global influences like the media, marketing, books and movies. Working inward to the community and group level influences, into our homes and personal relationships.
Critical Awareness is when we appreciate what has influenced us beyond our personal lives, that innermost part of the web. Just as there are Unwanted IDs at the personal level, the outer world plays an influential role too. Many of these messages we absorb without realising their impact. How they shape what we 'normalise' and identify as wanted and unwanted identities.
The movies, TV shows, what we stream every day. Social media accounts and advertising, Online and offline. We are bombarded, surrounded by messages that shape us.
25 years ago, top models and beauty queens weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less. The current media ideal for women is achievable by less than 5% of the female population. (Brene Brown - I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)). And that's just talking about weight, not about our appearance in other ways like our wrinkles and greys.
There are big bucks in having us strive for those ideals. Billion-dollar industries. I don't say this to fear-mongers. But you do need to know that you have these sorts of influences in your world. We perhaps don't take time to talk about this or to think about it. Today I hope that has changed for you.
How often do you see yourself, looking back at you on and offline? Fashion campaigns, influencer imagery, and swimsuit campaigns are no different. Most swimsuit models, even those who are bigger than a size 16 have an hourglass shape (estimated to be about 8.5% of women).
That's why we started the Cossie Confidence campaigns to showcase women of different shapes and sizes and ages. Of course, we can't showcase absolutely everyone but what we do show you is hopefully a more realistic representation...someone who looks more like you in a swimsuit than most others you may see in photos.
Next Article
Part 3 - How to move forward with our Body Image and Shame concerns. Awareness, Critical Awareness is an excellent place to start.
Where To From Here?
Create connections with others. Continue the conversation talking about Body Image and Shame in our private Facebook group Women 40+ Self Love, Body Love, Summer Confidence.
Take care. Be kind to you and each other. Stay connected.
Anita xx
Founder - Sequins and Sand + Midlife Unfiltered - The Season of Me podcast
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