In the past, we've talked about Body Image and Shame, but never together, not in this way. We will never cover them completely because they are such deeply personal and diverse topics but we must continue to go there, with authentically curiously open hearts, minds and eyes, seeking fresh perspectives and deeper understanding.
Why? Because I want us to help each other on the hard stuff, the stuff that matters that can make a real positive difference in someone's life. The stuff that is often swept away or suppressed which when ignored, only makes it fester and get stronger.
Deeper Definitions
Whilst they each have their own identity, body image and shame often go hand in hand. When we are unhappy with our bodies, shame often comes knocking.
Body Image: How you see yourself, in your mirror, in your mind. How you feel about your body, as a whole. About its parts - your arms, your legs, your belly. "Unfortunately, our picture, thoughts and feelings may have little to do with our actual appearance. It is our image of what our bodies are, often held up to our image of what they should be." (Brene Brown).
What do we often feel about our bodies? Shame.
Sure there are many other emotions that come up for us when we think about our bodies in a cossie, in public. Embarrassment is one. But embarrassment is fleeting and something we know we are going to move on from fairly quickly. Judgement (another big one), anger and confusion. There are many others. I'm sure you have your own not mentioned here.
Shame cuts deeper. Shame is about who we are. It's grounded in fear, often resulting in blame (blaming ourselves) and disconnection (from others, our bodies).
Shame researcher Brene Brown and her team explain how deeply complex and personalised this emotion is, with the Shame Web. It shows the interplay of where our feelings of shame are derived as we strive to grapple with the expectations of who we should be, what we should be and how we should be.
On the outer strands are more global influences like the media, marketing, books and movies. Working inward to the community and group level influences, into our homes and personal relationships.
The Long Reach of Body Shame
Brene's in-depth research findings (interviewing 200+ diverse women) revealed several Categories Of Shame. Areas that women struggle the most, with feelings of shame. Maybe you can relate to them too.
Appearance & Body Image, Motherhood, Family, Parenting, Money & Work, Mental and Physical Health, Sex, Aging, Religion, Being Stereotyped and Labeled, Speaking Out and Surviving Trauma.
First on the list...Appearance & Body Image. Because 90% of the participants experienced shame about their bodies. "Body image also serves as an invisible thread that runs through almost all of the shame categories. It transcends the appearance category and impacts other categories...The long reach of body image and body shame can impact who and how we love, parent, communicate and build relationships." (extract from an article Brene wrote for Mother's Movement Online about this research).
This is a piece of Jillian's story from I Thought It Was Just Me But It Isn't by Brene Brown: "I finally figured out that the invitation was for a pool party and it said that the parents have to swim with their kids...In front of the perfect skinny moms. Sometimes when I feel ashamed, I get fearful and I just go nuts. I feel so lost. I don't even know what's happening. Her fear of being in a swimsuit in front of the 'perfect moms' ... she had always been uncomfortable in her body, but since she had gained weight after having her pregnancies, she had become very self-conscious." The Long Reach of Body Shame into Motherhood.
Maybe you have feelings about your body image, perhaps your body shame and how that reaches across into other aspects of your life. If you do, you are certainly not alone.
Body Image Issues Start Early
Body image issues can start at a very young age. Children as young as 3 development body image concerns. (familydoctor.org/building-your-childs-body-image-and-self-esteem/). Taryn Brumfitt from The Body Image Movement (current Australian of the Year and Body Positive Advocate) says 70% of Aussie kids cite that body image is their #1 concern and that 70% of adolescent girls dislike their bodies and a third of adolescent boys wished they were bigger (aged between 16 and 19).
"I was around 7 years old and a little boy at school, named James called me fat. I think that was when I started dieting." (Kathleen - quoted from The Body Is Not An Apology)
We need to be so careful what we say to and about ourselves, our bodies around our kids, our grandkids. The words we use in day-to-day conversation - our weight, our appearance, our 'body bits'. It will leave its mark just as what they see us doing will too. Eating habits, yo-yo dieting, sneaking 'bad food' when we think they're not looking.
Maybe that's where your body image issues were forged.
Suzie and Maria from The Cossie Confidence Crew have spoken openly about how their Mum's dieting and obsession with being a certain size and weight created their body image concerns from an early age.
That's what we'll talk about more in Part 2 - Awareness of how feelings of Body Shame are created and sustained.
Body Shame In A Swimsuit
The Cossie Confidence movement and messaging were born from the concerning conversations I was having with women about how being in a swimsuit brought out a spectrum of body image concerns for them from feeling self-conscious, embarrassed through to fear and shame. The judgement of others is perhaps the most prominent body shame trigger.
We all feel it. How does Shame show up for you? Is it in your swimsuit - sensing the judgement of others? Not feeling good enough? Falling short of your own expectations or the expectations of others? Maybe it's something else.
That's why this series is from another perspective. We MUST have these conversations. Deepen understanding and awareness. Support each other. To let women know they are not alone with these debilitating thoughts and feelings. We may not understand fully, but we CAN help with caring conversations, with an open heart and mind. No judgement. Because we all deserve and need to feel the freedom of being who we are - this is me...swimsuit and all.
Where To From Here?
Create connections with others. Continue the conversation talking about Body Image and Shame in our private Facebook group Women 40+ Self Love, Body Love, Summer Confidence.
Take care. Be kind to you and each other. Stay connected.
Anita xx
Founder - Sequins and Sand + Midlife Unfiltered - The Season of Me podcast
